I have spent days worrying about 13th July 2020. It is the anniversary of the day that Chris died. How should I mark it? I don't want the 13th July to become a "thing". I don't want to start a tradition that I can't keep up, and it's not a day that I want to celebrate. Two years ago my heart broke irreparably and although it's not a day that I can forget it is also not one I want to remember.
I thought about going to the cemetery, which is now a 4 hour round trip. I went there for his birthday and met some friends and we chatted and reminisced and it was good, it felt right. But that was a day for remembering him alive, and for being grateful that he was in this world, even if for too short a time. Chatting this over with a friend at the weekend, I realised that my rationale for going to the cemetery was because I felt I should, that it was what a "good widow" would do. Speaking to my wonderful WAY friends, I was reminded that there are no rules on this journey, and doing something out of a misplaced sense of duty is mos definitely not recommended.
So I have decided to mark this day by walking the dogs, lighting a candle... and publishing my blog. This blog is a collection of ramblings from the last two years, and will hopefully grow as I add my observations and experiences of the future.
I hope that it will help someone else navigating their grief and encourage more conversations about the reality of living with grief and loss.